Deciding My Voice

Article

There comes a point in personal growth when understanding the past is no longer enough. We may have spent considerable time examining what happened to us, recognizing the patterns we developed, understanding why certain situations still affect us, and discovering how experiences from years ago continue to influence the way we think and respond today. Understanding gives us context, and context can replace some of the shame and confusion we have carried. But eventually another question begins to emerge, and it may be one of the most important questions we ever ask ourselves:

Who am I going to allow to decide who I am now?

Choosing how we want to be defined can sound unrealistic if we misunderstand what it means. We cannot simply announce that we are confident, disciplined, courageous, dependable, or emotionally healthy and instantly become those things. Identity is not created by saying pleasant words to ourselves while ignoring reality.

There must be evidence.

Deciding My Voice

Worksheet

Sometimes deciding your voice begins in very ordinary moments. You state a preference instead of automatically saying, "Whatever you want." You disagree respectfully rather than remaining silent. You stop explaining a reasonable boundary for fifteen minutes because you are afraid someone might disapprove. You make a decision after considering good advice rather than asking five more people to tell you what to do.

None of these moments seems dramatic, but together they begin teaching something important: My thoughts can be considered. My judgment can be developed. My voice can be trusted.

A good idea would be to begin practicing the identity we have chosen before it feels completely natural. If I am becoming a person who speaks with greater confidence, I practice speaking even when my voice feels uncertain.

Deciding My Voice

Podcast

If you have spent thirty years telling yourself that you are inadequate, a few mornings of positive thinking will probably not erase the pattern. If you have spent decades allowing other people's reactions to determine your decisions, stating one boundary will not suddenly make you comfortable with boundaries. The old response has been rehearsed thousands of times.

The new response needs rehearsal too.

This is why an identity statement or morning affirmation can have value when it is connected to actual behavior. The purpose is not to convince yourself of something obviously untrue. It is to remind yourself of the direction you have chosen.

You are not required to erase your past in order to develop your voice. You do not need to deny your wounds, failures, fears, or limitations. They belong to your story. They simply do not have to write the ending.

Go Deeper

To go deeper and learn about the underlying pattern, needs and recovery, look at this chapter from Dr. Slate's book: Self-Worth Transformation Course Workbook.